I think that is the understatement of forever. Of course parenting is hard. Well, good parenting anyway. Right now I am hitting my breaking point. It is very generous of my parents to have us at their house while I recover but it's starting to become more stressful than helpful. I think it's because I can tell that my Mom is craving her quiet time and that the constant noise is starting to wear on her. I can totally understand that, but when I see her struggle to focus on things she wants to get done I feel guilty and it then stresses me out. Mostly because I know that they are doing this to be helpful and I don't want them to be put out because of their willingness to help.
Don't get me wrong they have been a tremendous help. Mostly in the mornings when the kids come downstairs and Gaetan is still asleep. This allows me to not have to get up lickity split (well, let's face it I don't do anything lickity split right now) and either rest while Norah is still sleeping or get up at a reasonable pace (for me). I am now able to do all night time things by myself, which is really helpful that Mom gets a full nights sleep. I could tell that the waking up in the middle of the night was getting difficult for her during the day, especially when the kids would melt down. She seems much better now that she isn't sleep deprived too!
I think the hardest part for me is sitting back and watching things unfold in front of me and not really being able to do a lot about it. If the kids chose not to listen and they run off there isn't a whole lot I can do about it. Especially with I'm nursing Norah I am pretty much stuck in one area... now, I know it will be better when I am more mobile and can get up more easily while holding her, but for now, that isn't really an option. I can tell that its getting hard on the kids being away from home and their familiar routine, and that's hard on me watching them struggle. They aren't struggling struggling but I can tell that they want to get home. Lucy asked if we could go home earlier this week, and I would love to be able too, but I'm just not ready.
And on top of that it's really hard to stay on them for behaving. Of course it would be easy to just let them run willy nilly and chalk it up to this is how they are dealing with the transition... but that's not doing anybody any favors. We have been cutting them a bit more slack than normal because their entire world is changing but I am wary that we are spoiling them. Because our children are so stinking smart I fear that they are gaming the system as it where and I don't want them to think this is how its always going to be. It would be easy just to let them walk away and not listen. It would be easy for me to just chalk up my short comings as a parent to being sleep deprived... but excuses make not good children.
I figured out why this is been so difficult. Being a good parent isn't a spectator sport... and that's what I've had to do for the past little while. Its not easy sitting back and watching everything happen in front of you and not be able to interact and get right in there... ya know? So it is hard to be a good parent as I sit on the sidelines and try to do it from various sitting spots!
But... I. Am. Determined. to be a good parent... even in the face of wanting to pull my hair out because every little thing makes them melt down. Even in the face of falling asleep while I'm nursing sweet Norah. Even in the face of having my children tell me NO repeatedly and then storm off crying because they didn't get what they wanted. Especially when following through with disciplinary actions they know are the cause of their previous actions.
So... to all those out there who are parents and are tired and their rope is burning at both ends... we can do it! And all those who aren't parents yet... it's really not that bad. I just had to vent as a desperate tired Momma who wants to continue being a good Momma no matter what. So, if you're the type to pray, pray for strength. Pray for determination and SLEEP. :) And I know that I will recover and be back at 100% before I know it and all this will be a fond memory of overcoming a hurdle as a parent. So... I suppose for now I will say, "bring it on."
JVG
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