Epiphany

Like I said, I was very pleased with how our last visit with Ingrid went.  There were only a few instances that irked me, and when reflecting upon the visit I figured out why.

1.) Discipline.  I know that there are all sorts of different types of discipline.  Some people are horrified at the prospect of spanking, while there are others who think using objects (belts, spoons, what have you) is perfectly normal.  Dude was having a fairly bad attitude and I wanted to address it right away and then he started to throw a bigger fit when we tried to talk to him.  So Gaetan took him into the other room so that he wouldn't be distracted to calm him down and talk to him.  Meanwhile, she's sitting there pouting with this ridiculous look on her face like we were the most unreasonable parents in the world.  I  think that bugged me about that was a.) the situation needed to be addressed because I WILL NOT have selfish, ungrateful children with this sense of entitlement of just because I want it I will have it.  b.)  Her sense of what discipline is isn't really discipline.  There are those who spank but then talk about it so the child understands the punishment.  And there are those who just hit their children and that's that.  I am under no illusion that people will parent differently, but I do not see how just physically hurting your child teaches them anything... so for her to sit there and judge the way we discipline pisses me off.  c.)  After Dude was already calmed down and came back out she babied him and wouldn't drop the fact that he got in trouble.  He was over it, so you should be too!  It's the pouting and the feeling so sorry for herself (because most of the time she is the cause of his misbehaving) that I can't stand.  Especially, when I don't think that actually knows what discipline is.  Nobody likes it when people get in trouble, I get that, I really do, but there has to be a sense of support that she isn't giving when we are trying to do our jobs as parents.

2.) Baby naming.  Our cousins in Belgium just had a little baby girl.  They hadn't named her yet, but they finally picked out a name and it's Elisabeth!  I really like the name Elisabeth (I will probably spell it with a Z though) hence the reason why I'm probably having it as one of Norah's middle names.  But she was incredulous that Marie-Grace (our cousin) would name her baby that when we've already told Ingrid (not even Marie-Grace) that we are going to name our baby Norah Elizabeth.  She was getting her panties in a bunch on 'our behalf' because of the name.  She said that she didn't want to be the one to tell them that's what we wanted to name our baby because she didn't want to cause problems... well, a.) She's a cousin I've never met and lives on a different continent.  b.) Her last name isn't even VanGyseghem, so its not like there was going to be Elizabeth VanGyseghems running around c.) I wouldn't have frickin' cared if she wanted to name her baby Norah Elizabeth!  d.) I told Ingrid that I didn't care and that I was happy she liked the name Elizabeth because I did too... e.) I wasn't sure why she was getting upset when we weren't upset about it.  Then, she went on and on about how it wasn't responsible to not have a name picked out for the child already.  That she had months and months to think about what she wanted to name her and just now she is naming it?  I'm glad she's really starting to pick up on the more important things in life...

3.) Fairness and hair color.  She was talking about how she couldn't believe that baby Elizabeth had blonde hair when Marie Grace is half Asian/Belgium.  She said, "I guess darker colored features are recessive..."  WTF.  Seriously?  What person in science says that?  Nobody.  Then she went on and on about how her hair was dark and curly when she was born and now she's soooo blonde.  I wanted to say something about how the way she acts wont' change her hair color but I decided to keep that to myself.  She wouldn't just accept the fact that her natural hair color is actually a dark brown and that it wasn't to far fetched of an idea that it was... Now, I may just be a lowly stay at home Mom, but I feel like I do understand basic genetics.  And with the fairness thing I was saying that if for some reason this baby turned out to be a boy then I only had a first name picked out and that maybe that's all he would get!  Jokingly, but she took me seriously and told me that I couldn't do that.  That it wouldn't be fair to him since the other kids have two middle names.  I told her that I could do whatever I wanted.  I guess the fairness comment just struck me as interesting because she is so concerned about being fair between siblings and stuff, but while her kids were growing up she the total opposite.  She didn't seem to care if anything was fair, just as long as it suited her needs and purposes at that moment... so I guess the hypocrisy is the slap in the face.

4.) Carseats and cribs.  We then got on the topic of cribs because she still has a crib at her place and was wondering if we were all set up for Norah.  We told her that we were because Lucy didn't sleep in the old crib and she looked wounded like we weren't going to use hers.  I also told her that if we did need hers that we would have to look into seeing if it was still suitable, since they are always recalling cribs and making sure that everything is safe.  I said it was the same thing with carseats because she looked at me like I might've been making it up as an excuse not to use it.  She couldn't believe that the regulations on carseats and cribs were so steep!  And then she went into this weird rant about what if that's all you could afford then what?  And how did we know about all these different things?  I told her that there were probably extenuating circumstances where the family would be happy just to have a place to put their child to sleep that wasn't the floor, or a carseat so they could take their child with them in the vehicle... but I also told her that we were fortunate to not be in that situation and as people with small children I make it our business to make sure they are as safe as they can be.  The idea that we would research and make sure that the products our kids are using were safe just seemed so foreign to her... like, why would we waste our time?  Isn't it good enough that they have a bed, carseat, certain toys etc?  I dunno, I just thought it odd.

I know that this probably seems like a lot but the visit did go well.  These were just small points that came up and went rather quickly (which was good).  I think what really makes or breaks a visit is how much she wants to pay attention to the kids.  If she is there just because she wanted out of the house and to go to the mall the visits aren't as smooth because she really isn't there to visit, she just wants to get out.  But this time she seemed genuinely interested in playing/reading with the kids and doing what they wanted to do... probably because it had been such a long time since we had seen them last.  So, I hope that this is a new pattern and that she really is starting to figure out what it means to be a family and want to spend quality time together.  :)

JVG