A friend

This past weekend we celebrated Norah's first birthday!  We did a traditional dol like we did for the other two, but I definitely put in a lot more work for this one... we were lucky enough to have the use of my parents house for the first two, but this year we didn't think that the snow was going to be all melted, so there wouldn't be enough room for parking.  We decided to rent the clubhouse for this event, but that meant there was a lot more decorating involved and little things like plates, silverware had to be thought of!  It went really well, but I'm exhausted from it all.

I also learned a lot about who my friends are, and who they aren't.  If you've been around me at all, you know that I value honesty and being considerate.  I invited two couples that played a fairly large role in our college lives and a little bit after.  Another family that we met at church was also invited, who said that they would travel anywhere for Norah's party.  I told them at least a month ago about the party and all of them said that they would be there and were looking forward to it.  Well, a day before the party the family texts and says that they scheduled family pictures during that time and couldn't make it... Ok... why would you schedule something when you had already committed to another thing?  Rude.  And that they were sooo excited to go before, but now they aren't.  Then one of the couples called and said something came up... and they needed to go over some coding for a job that they applied for.  Why are you applying for a job that you aren't qualified for?  And can't you study in the car?  At least they had the decency to call... although they knew about the job thing days before.

So, I called the other couple to see if they were still coming and neither one of them answered their phones.  I ended up texting them both because I had to know about food.  I finally get a text back from the guy saying that it was to late in the day and they were really busy. Sorry.  At first I thought he was joking because he does that sometimes so I asked if he was serious and he was.  I'm not gonna lie I was pretty pissed.  I asked if they were ever going to tell me that they weren't going or if they were just not gonna show up.  And he said that he was going to later that night (the night before the party) but since I was asking now, then they weren't going.  I couldn't believe that he had the audacity to be snarky with me when he was the asshole who wasn't going to tell me although he already knew they weren't going. Then, his wife texts me and says that she knows I'm mad but things came up and that's that.  Really?  Because the only proper response I could muster was, "Well, fuck you."  I didn't tell them that, but that's how I felt.

Here's my perspective.  This couple is notorious for being flaky and at first when they started doing it, it didn't bother me so much... but as the years went on and if they claim to be our good friends then I think they would be more considerate.  I am a mother of three young children, so I know that unexpected things come up... but to wait until the very last minute to say something about it?  That's just rude.  And then to be snarky when you're called out for being shitty?  Not gonna happen to me.  And apparently they weren't to busy to hang out at an arcade all day but to busy to come see us.  Yes, they leave 2 hours away, but they always expect us to come out there to visit them.  Yes, us the family with three small children when they have none.  The last time I drove out there to see them was in November... and since we haven't made the effort to drive and see them we haven't seen them since.  I'm always the one emailing or texting to see how things are going and there are times that they don't even write back.

When I invited them in the back of my mind I knew that they weren't really going to come.  They weren't going to come because they are to fucking lazy to drive out and see their 'really good friends.'  Well, in this type of situation I'd wish they would just grow a pair and say, "I just don't feel like making the drive."  I would be better with that then making up lame excuses.  And yes, since this is my child I was taking it personally because I thought they cared about the things that I care about.

It is in my nature to give people the benefit of the doubt and to want to help... but at some point you gotta stop being naive and letting people walk on your good will.  I'm done wanting to help them.  I'm done wanting to try and keep plans and make them.  And, it's sad because we were good friends for a bit, but times change and people change and we must adapt.  I just cannot tolerate selfish people who will be not honest with their so called friends.  That type of behavior is for acquaintances.

Now, I'm not saying that if you can't make every thing I invite you to then I'm going to write you off... because, that's just a ridiculous set of expectations to set for your friends.  But, as a friend, I expect honesty.  I expect you to let me know if our plans as soon as possible because, I have a family and sometimes it takes a bit to change the plan.  I don't think that's unreasonable.  And while life does happen and I may seem disappointed (which, if I wanted to see you then of course I would be!) I will understand.  But, disappointment is different than being mad.  And, if you are going to be a shitty person with no regard for anybody but yourself and what works best for you, then, I will probably be mad and not be your friend.  You can only give and give and give before you realize that you don't want to give anymore.  Life happens so quickly, I don't have time to spend it with people who don't really care.  So cherish the people you care about and really value them.  Because, if they really are important to you, they will know it by your actions.

JVG